LAZENBY SLEIGHS SANTA: ACT 1
Nothing irks the truth-crusading fashion industry more than the fact that the Santa Claus we know and "love" -- the jelly-bellied chap clad in a red-and-white suit -- was fashioned by a cola company.
This year, we fight back.
With the same vim and vigor Cordarounds employed to unravel the myth that corduroy should only run vertically, we shall slay this aged, bloated, sugar-addled vision of holiday goodness. Literally. And, ho ho ho, we have just the man for the job -- Lazenby!
Now enjoy as Cordarounds' romantic spokesman for womenswear tells his epic holiday tale.
Gentle Womenfolk,
Oh, how Lazenby wishes the winds of fate could have blown more gently! How he begged to find some shred of goodness and decency in the coal-black heart of the fat, bearded beast known as Santa Claus! But it was not to be, for the deviant, ruddy-cheeked Kringle and his army of fiendish elves did recently set out to destroy dear Lazenby. Why? So they could continue unabated their wretched Christmas Eve tradition of visiting the houses of comely lasses clad in naught but their silky night-things, visit them with hungry eyes and slobbering countenances and thoughts of such an impure nature that Lazenby blushes, and must steady himself against the flank of his mighty steed.
That is why, verily, Lazenby did kill Santa Claus – and save Christmas. Rejoice!
Know now that it shall be Lazenby – and not the accursed, corpulent, hell-snake Claus – who alights at your abode late this Christmas Eve. Know that this visitor shall be merry and handsome. Know him by his velveteen cloak the color of midnight. Know him by his attractive hoizontal corduroy trousers. Know that you shall quiver in so many delicious ways as Lazenby delivers to you gifts wrapped in fiery amour! Swoon, and Lazenby shall catch you, and make you his.
But first, Lazenby must put quill to parchment, so he may tell you and your lovely friends the heart-pounding tale of his epic battle against Santa Claus, the bile-dripping whorehound, and his vile minions from the Icy North.
May windows steam and may your collective bosoms heave beneath tight garments as you read Lazenby's words one magical night soon.
Excelsior!
You may now submit your holiday wish list or any romantic holiday questions to Lazenby himself in the Cordarounds blog. Just click "Comments" beneath this story.

























