Like the 007 franchise, every now and again Cordarounds must update our leading man. And that man is, of course, Lazenby.


Lazenby! Smoldering hero-horseman! Romantic exemplar extraordinaire! Upon his trusty steed, dear Lazenby -- protector of all that is delicious to the eyes -- has clippity-clopped through the fog-shrouded streets of San Francisco for several glorious years now, clad in his reversible smoking jacket and signature velveteen jodhpurs.

But alas, we learned last week that Lazenby has decided to depart our city … forever!  Yes, the incomparable adventurer who has defended the honor of lovely ladies around the world by sleighing the incandescently vile Santa Claus and javelining the despicable Baron Chou will now vanish into the night, leaving naught but the scent of jasmine and premium liqueurs in his wake. Ladies, take one last look.

But do not weep!  As this Lazenby departs, he will pass the fiery torch of amour to another! So this month, we’re looking for our new Lazenby, and it could be you.  All you need is a reversible smoking jacket to evoke our hero’s legendary looks (a $195 purchase made easier than ever with the release of today’s new-fangled* Blackhorse coat).  Beyond that, the very minimum in imagination is required.  Of course, we’ve come to expect the very most from our customers once they’ve got an idea in their heads, so we’ve asked Lazenby himself to pen an ultra-strict application procedure -- one we gladly offer to you first, before posting the position on Craigslist this afternoon.

Could there be a better time for a career change?  Yes.


* New-fangling involves an update of collar backing with luxurious Burmese green cashmere, injecting precisely 1,000 lumens of sizzle into its satin brocade inner lining, and softening up the Vagisoft pockets by a staggering 12,000%. What is Vagisoft?  Thanks for asking.

LAZENBY JOB DESCRIPTION AND INTERVIEW APPLICATION

Villains, perverts and curs need not apply! After three years of protecting the women of San Francisco from all manner of beastly intent, I hereby relinquish the saddle upon my trusty stallion, Obsidian, and call upon a new rider -– he who is fearless, indomitable and engorged with the spirit of chivalry -- to take this most valiant mount.

As before, the sound of Obsidian’s clippity-clopping hooves shall send knaves scurrying and women’s hearts racing as you patrol the avenues of this metropolis.  As before, the city shall be beset by fits of female swooning and starry-eyed proposals of varying indecencies, but the object of every right-thinking maiden’s desire shall be a brand new Lazenby, a man whose smoldering gaze above the collar of a reversible smoking jacket will still be capable of melting the straps of even the heartiest brassiere!

Applicants must, in 100 words or much, much less, describe what they will bring to the role of Lazenby, and they may do so on the Cordarounds Facebook fan page. Please type responses in your finest calligraphy.

Applicants must be handy with lances, javelins, morning stars and Tibetan massage.

Photos of you peering over the collar of a Cordarounds coat are greatly preferred (see above.)

Professional models are not welcome.

The winner will become our new Lazenby, Cordarounds’ dashing spokesman for women – the very eyes that encourage them to purchase by the hundreds when we release limited-edition skirts this summer.    Over the coming weeks, candidates will undergo a rigorous review process, including a battery of questions in the pixels of this newsletter and throughout the Cordarounds site.

Yes, millions await the Monday finale of Cordarounds' Christmas Saga, Lazenby Sleighs Santa.  Will our hero survive the jaws of the orca and complete his mission to slay Santa?  Or will Kris Kringle's reign of perverse terror continue for another year?

Today, I received a Lazenby-themed Christmas carol from the insanely-talented Colin Stuart, a horizontal corduroy pant wearer from LA who predicts a pleasant outcome to our holiday saga.  Click and listen as Cordarounds' romantic spokesman assumes the gift-giving role of St. Nick and replaces the sleigh with an Airstream trailer driven by a team of Walruses (which he refers to as Walrii--a decision that will be debated by wildlife grammarians for ages.) 

Continue reading " THE CORDAROUNDS CHRISTMAS CAROL! " »

Many women ask, "When is it appropriate for a lady to wear her Cordarounds coat in smoking-jacket mode?"  To answer this important question, we’ve called on Lazenby, Cordarounds' romantic skirt spokesman, who is standing by to answer your questions on fashion and adventure. Simply click Comments below.

 
Gentle Citizenry, It has been far too long since Lazenby's quill has danced merrily upon these pages, and this regrettable fact does make Lazenby ache with you, verily.  But oh, had you heard but a whisper of the travails visited upon him in the farthest corner of the Earth, you would not begrudge his absence.  Nay! You would cower beneath a quilt, shivering with fear!

And now the mystery shall be revealed; Lazenby shall recount for you now the circumstances of his disappearance  and in doing so, answer the question that grips the soul of many a woman: When shall I wear my cordarounds coat in smoking jacket mode? (Gentle womenfolk, Lazenby requests you prostrate yourselves upon feather pillows, with fans at the ready!)

Your humble mounted servant has returned from the Orient, where he endeavored to rescue Lady Delilah Breckonshire, the buttery-soft creature of ineffable beauty and infinite wisdom -- particularly in matters of fashion -- who had been abducted by the despicable opium lord, Baron Chou.  If only this vision of virtue had not been wearing her new reversible Cordarounds smoking jacket inside-out, which multiplied her beauty a hundredfold and transformed her into a quarry of celestial delight for the cur Chou, who gazed at her through eyes flogged by the insidious poppy, the beast-energy growing in him by the second!  Indeed, a woman wearing such lovely and versatile togs brought forth a tingle in Chou that Lazenby himself has felt, and cannot explain without blushed countenance.

Suffice it to say, the fiend was dispatched promptly by Lazenby and his deadly accuracy with the javelin.  Then he stole into the steamy night with the good Lady Breckonshire, she and her jacket hidden beneath the cloak of Lazenby, lest the hungry claws of the White Dragon reach out again in search of a fashionable young lovely!

Rest well again, good folk.  Know that not another night shall pass in this City by the Bay that the streets do not echo with the hooves of my steed, and the pounding of a heart so restless.  And know that if you wear your Cordarounds jacket in its so-called smoking mode, you yourself shall smolder not unlike the fires that rage within the cauldron of passion that is Lazenby, and he shall draw titanic breaths of longing as he gazes upon you.

Excelsior!