THE CORDAROUNDS BLOG

Cordarounds Releases Preposterously Patriotic Pants

2010-06-23T01:54:36Z

For those looking to make a statement -- an atomic statement -- this 4th of July, look no further than Cordarounds' star-spangled slacks.

Whether you're a US Soccer crazy, Betsy Ross enthusiast, or amateur stuntman, these are the essence of Old Glory in trouser form. Consider their unrivaled quality:

* Lovingly hand-stitched by the spectral fingers of Betsy Ross' ghost.

* Tested for Nazi- and Communist-fighting durability by Captain America.

* Design endorsed by Swiftwing, King of All Bald Eagles.

* Approved for Knievelesque jumps over 4th of July BBQs.

* Each pair exposed to 1,000 continuous hours of Lee Greenwood's Greatest Hits.

* Ensures wearer is in full compliance with the Patriot Act.

* Makes flatulence smell like mom's apple pie.

* On Memorial Day, USArounds must be worn at half mast.

* These colors don't run (unless washed in hot water with white clothing.)

* Before wearing, owner must recite the Apollo Creed.

Cordarounds Launches Pants into the Stratosphere

2010-05-04T19:32:27Z

On May 4th at 12:00 PST, a vessel of hope will took flight from San Francisco. A pair of helium-borne trousers rose into the firmament, and travelled Eastward upon the breath of angels. And why? To prove an important point: That cords can be worn all summer long. They're not just any corduroy, of course, but Cordarounds' new lightweight, mini-wale trousers.

A video recap of this incredible event:

Weighing in at a scant .9 lbs, these sand trousers with kabloom liners need a mere 17 cubic feet of helium to go airborne -- to the envy of common khakis, jeans, and other comparatively leaden summer pants, the helium buoyancy of which is detailed below.

Given this compelling data, as well as our pants' legendary thermodynamic properties, there's simply no reason to wear anything else this summer, even when swimmin’ or hot tubbin'. For anyone who wears pants and dreams of flight, a veritable air squadron of light summer trousers lies on the tarmac that is our online store.

Cordarounds Launches Pants in Slow Motion

2010-04-27T18:36:35Z

For those expecting a live launch of our new lightweight cords, we regret to inform you that mission control has cancelled liftoff on account of rain. BUT FOUL WEATHER HASN’T CANCELLED THE LAUNCH OF NEW GREY CORDAROUNDS! Nor has it drowned our desire to publish the finest in pant-themed entertainment each and every Tuesday at noon Pacific.

So without any further adieu, we reintroduce our most popular color of Cordarounds: graphite grey, complete with a new liner and a lighter weight -- only 0.9 lbs! We’ve even managed to capture them in super slow motion.

They're Back! from Cordarounds on Vimeo.

As the video clearly demonstrates, these summer trousers turn each and every stride into a moon bounce -- and a very stylish one at that. The waistband and pockets feature seaweed liners, and the button bares some resemblance to a typhoon, not unlike today’s weather in San Francisco.

Speaking of which, fans of flight needn't dismay over today's cancelled event. We'll stage the whole affair for you next Tuesday at noon sharp. With an extra week of planning, we’ll be able to deliver even more aerial action and adventure!

Southern Gentlemen Tested: Approved

2010-04-27T06:24:06Z

A team of scientists from Cordarounds Labs traveled to the famed leisure proving grounds of Worthington P. Chesterfield’s wide and gracious front porch to put our horizontal seersucker pants to the test--the Southern Gentleman test.

Under rigorous analysis, these Suckerlab trousers scored high marks in all manner of Southern Gentlemanly arts (see findings above). And why shouldn't they? After all, these pants were sewn in San Francisco's South of Market district by ladies who hail from southern China. And you can acquire a pair for well south of $100. It doesn’t get much more Southern than that, does it? Until our pant scientists figure out how to fabricate them out of sweet tea & sassafras, we don’t think so.

Cordarounds Releases Eyjafallajökullarounds

2010-04-20T17:25:52Z

Yes, 'cano mania is sweeping the globe, and we know a magma-hot trend when we see it -- even if we have no idea how to pronounce it.

So we’re proud to release these new E-check Suckerlab pants in honor of Eyjafjallajokull, the mighty Icelandic soot-stack that's snarled airline traffic and twisted tongues worldwide.

Some fun facts and figures about these Icelandic hot pants:

As of 1800 GMT, they aren't available to Cordarounds customers in the UK, Ireland, Scandanavia, or the Benelux and Baltic States.

While they're billowy and colored brown and white, they do not spew lava or searing pryroclastic cinders.

Worn out your circa 1991 J. Peterman Pinatubo Pantaloons, or you need to update your entire wardrobe of Volcano-themed trousers? Then these are the pants for you!

To test the legendary crotch-cooling capabilities of Suckerlab seersucker, Icelandic morning radio personality Hinrik "Bezerker" Sigurbjornsson submerged his lower half in scalding lava for an eye-opening two hours, protected by nothing more than his treasured pair of Eyjafjallajokularounds.

Due to onerous liability issues, Cordarounds politely declined to co-sponsor the magma-eating contest at this year's Reykjavoodstock.

These are the preferred pants of Icelandic rappers, who often rhyme Eyjafjallajokull with Playafjallajokull and Skeezafjallajokul.

According to Icelandic folklore, after a long day of conquest and pillaging, vikings donned light and airy seersucker breeches, then relaxed on the porch, sipping cool and refreshing mead from the skulls of the vanquished.

Yes, Eyjafjallajokullarounds are now available in the Cordarounds store. Purchase a pair, and you'll be the star of all your social and scientific gatherings this spring.

Suckerlab Presents: Karate Casual Pants

2010-04-07T04:18:19Z

Today, we discuss a new trouser and a new martial art -- both based entirely on inaction. Let's start with the pants:

These drawstring slacks are designed for around-the-house wear but can be worn outside as well, should you tire of delivery pizza. They're made of 100% Suckerlab seersucker--preferred fabric of porch-sitters, lay-abouts, and the low-pulsed. You cinch 'em with a sturdy, 1-inch black belt handsomely decorated with 11 stripes. Why 11? Because by owning a pair, you instantly earn an 11th degree black belt in non-jitsu.

You see, unlike other schools of martial arts, which require years of devotion to earn a black belt, in our dojo you start with the 11th degree, then degrade over time as you become more disciplined.

Stripe 1: (Drooling Eagle): Owner refreshes himself -- not by washing, but by throwing self into dryer, with Country Mist-scented Bounce sheet.

Stripe 2: (Slouching Crane): Owner bravely wears pants from Friday evening through Monday morning.

Stripe 3: (Drowsy Hound): Owner and dog share six bags of buttered popcorn.

Stripe 4: (Ambivalent Yak): Owner abstains from needless flossing.

Stripe 5: (Recumbent Platypus): Owner buys from online clothing company instead of store to enjoy more time online.

Stripe 6:(Dozing Toad): Owner successfully demonstrates all 16 Taoist principles of sitting on couch.

Stripe 7: (Moist Towelette): Through exquisite thumb dexterity, owner successfully watches two television shows at once.

Stripe 8: (Stoned Panda) Owner lives on a diet of microwave-only foods.

Stripe 9: (Slothful Sloth): Owner knows all the answers in Family Feud Fast Money round.

Stripe 10: (Sleeping Bee): Owner’s Second Life avatar spends most of his time napping and watching TV.

Stripe 11: (Silent Orangutan): Owner gets all his news from Cordarounds blog.

Foul Weather Coats with Old-Timey Technology

2010-03-31T18:38:09Z

For Cordarounds’ first foray into foul weather gear, you’d expect our engineering savants to come up with something truly special, like a garment that turns water into wine. But instead trying to out-tex GoreTex with fabric that wicks water, wind, and lava, they took a decidedly old-timey approach.

Waxcloth is made by applying a liberal amount of goo to fabric, then smoothing it to an attractive, oily sheen. Thorough testing confirms that our waxed canvas coat stands up to San Francisco mist, dew, drizzle, and even rain; of course, our tester wisely sought shelter after 30 seconds or so -- just like you would. It also withstands spilled beer, repels dog slobber, and even deflects the expectorant of a stuttering drunk. Why, Scotsmen have wandered the moors in waxed canvas coats for generations, so trust that it will survive a soggy walk or bike to work.

This is NOT a reversible coat like our smoking jackets or our late, great TRON jacket. (We figured nobody would want to turn a rained-upon coat inward.) However, this deep green coat does feature goodies like reflective zipper sheathes, a slap Velcro collar, and a light ‘n cozy black liner.

It’s on sale now in the Cordarounds store for $175. We made only 70, so snap yours up today, just in time for April showers.

Vijayakumar Wins US Championship in Discoballrounds

2010-03-31T18:25:46Z

Congratulations go out to Vinod Vijayakumar, national champion of the Brompton US champtionship in the Best Dressed category. As you can see, he's wearing Discoballrounds, the official pants of urbane action. To learn more about Bromptons and proper Bromtoning attire, visit Vinod's site.

THE SCIENCE OF SIDEWAYS SEERSUCKER

2010-03-21T18:15:06Z

Before we unveil these astonishing pants, our engineers have asked us to provide a quick, public service announcement on why we orient our seersucker sideways. For those who believe it's for aerodynamic purposes, you're only half right...

Unlike vertical seersucker puckers, which whisk radiant heat from asphalt to crotch to form an uncomfortable and possibly incendiary column of superheated air, Suckerlab horizontal ThermoSucka technology creates a 462-pucker barrier from heel to crotch (504 for longs!), safely insulating natures' most precious equipment from the ravages of summer swelter.

Yes, Suckerlab is back! And the scientific community is simply aTwitter. Starting today, and continuing through April (if our dear customers let us), Cordarounds seersucker scientists will be releasing ultra-limited batches of puckery pants into the trousersphere each week. First up: Easterounds!

Whether you’re seeking an edge in this year’s egg hunt or just want to out-preppie the dastardly Tad Charles McMasters, Easter-themed Suckerlab pants are for you!

As the pictures indicate, these are Sideflash trousers with Evil Eye rear pockets -- both sewn to shoot soft blue style-lasers from your hips and rear as you move to and fro.

And for those who don't celebrate Easter or practice other, yellow pants-friendly faiths, we offer these green seersucker trousers with orange liners.

Why, these are precisely the pants you need to get Spring properly started. Pick up a pair and, soon enough, you'll be sipping a mint julep, resting assured that your privates are protected by the latest in Thermosucka technology.

These essential, warm weather safety-slacks are now available in our store for $90.

Cordarounds Releases The World's Luckiest Pants

2010-03-11T01:48:15Z

Let's say your last name isn't O'-something. And you don't root for the Celtics or the Fighting Irish. You don’t drink Guinness, and you're not liable to chuckle when hearing a Dubliner declare, "Lig sé broim." So why on Earth would you need these pants?

Because they're the world's luckiest pants, the only trousers to feature the Omnipotent Seal of Good Fortune: a four-leaf clover festooned with the number 7, a dollar sign, a horseshoe, and an Egyptian scarab.

Yes, these charmed trousers are guaranteed to raise your luck by at least .000777%, and who couldn't use that when gambling, golfing, or gadding about.

In addition to the Omnipotent Seal, these pants feature gold-lined cuffs you can fold up and display proudly, leaving no doubt as to whom the gods truly favor.

Yes, they're the world's luckiest pants, and they're yours today for $100. St. Patty's celebrators from the East Coast are advised to purchase immediately, so your package can take flight today or tomorrow, guaranteeing delivery by the 16th.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! Folks who pick up a pair today will receive a FREE t-shirt with the Omnipotent Seal of Good Fortune . Simply specify which size you'd like in the comments section of the order form and we'll include this extraordinary shirt in your package.

And for the ladies and gentlemen who can live without pure magic in their pants, you're welcome to purchase a shirt from our store for $18.

The 100 Slice Challenge -- A LIVE WEB SPECTACLE

2010-03-03T02:05:24Z

On March 4th, 2010, Cordarounds sponsored the world's 9th-ranked Professional Eater, TIM "GRAVY" BROWN, in his attempt to eat 100 slices of pre-wrapped processed cheese in 10 minutes, for the chance to win a Cordarounds Limited-Edition Reversable Disco-Ball Jacket!!

Watch live video from gravyvision on Justin.tv
The Cordarounds 100-Slice Challenge

DID HE CONQUER THAT LACTOSE EVEREST? DID HE WIN A LIMITED EDITION CORDAROUNDS REVERSIBLE DISCO JACKET? If not, he almost certainly puked up over a pound of cheese - an internet first!

Green Pants, Not Green pants.

2010-03-01T19:03:20Z

Cordarounds customers demand other-way thinking when it comes to design. Why, it’s the very fabric of our brand. So how do we address the trend of eco-consciousness that’s sweeping the fashion world like a tidal wave caused by melting polar ice caps?

Should our trousers be crafted from recycled dreadlocks, their buttons molded from regurgitated Tofurky? In a perfect world, perhaps. But our militant, opposite-oriented customers demand difference at all costs, even if a rookery of emperor penguins must be vaporized in the process.

So our engineers set out to create the most consciously un-environmentally conscious trousers ever made. They might look green, but rest assured they’re fabricated using only the most diabolical methods. It’s what you asked for. We hope you’re happy.

About (Soylent) Green Cordarounds:

- The factory we built to produce these pants is made of only the stoutest, most ancient redwoods. They were transported via smoke-belching steamships from the forests of Northern California to a repurposed oil platform, which we’ve thoughtfully anchored to a particularly biodiverse section of the Great Barrier Reef.

- The thread that secures the button to each pair of pants came from the fibers of the now-extinct Cattus Vinum flower, which had contained a pollen that scientists believed could cure every form of cancer.

- Thanks to their nimble and steady paws, a leap of endangered snow leopards was enlisted to sew our famous red label onto the left ankle of each pair of pants.

- Each pair of trousers is glazed with 20 pounds of ozone-destroying cloroflouocarbons to ensure that the fabric stays soft and supple through repeated washings

- Each pair was hand-washed in a witches brew of fluids found at an abandoned Soviet biowarfare lab. The hands of the washers no longer remain.

- They’ve been flown around the world 75 times in a Concorde, for no particular reason.

- The dye we used to make our pants so preternaturally green was created by mixing the tears of Iron Eyes Cody with the pulverized remnants of mankind’s last known piece of kryptonite, the destruction of which, we regret to inform you, has ushered in the murderous, thousand year reign of General Zod.

Roundaroys, Cordohboys, & Roundandarounds

2010-01-25T22:39:27Z

Our marketing department desperately needs your assistance. Please, put down whatever you’re doing right now (save for surgeons and those seeking world records in hippopotamus-juggling) and help them make sure that folks know how to spell our name!

A typical scenario goes like this: You’re at a moonshine-tasting, and some gentleman with a large, gravy-clotted beard looks at your trousers and exclaims, "Lordy! Where in tarnation you git them fine breeches?" You kindly pass on the gospel of Cordarounds, but by the time this curious fellow sits down at his computer, he’s typing in "Roundaroys," "Cordohboys," or "Roundandaroundandarounds.com." He may even be doing this on a manual typewriter, which makes finding our Web site even more difficult.

So, dear Cordarounds enthusiasts, if you cannot avoid future moonshine tastings, opium bees, or peyote fun-runs, make sure that you’re carrying our new trading cards to help convey the important transfer of Cordarounds brand knowledge.

That's right: With the release this week of beautiful, navy blue Cordarounds with Saipan liners, we issue our first batch of official Cordarounds trading cards -- tokens you can pass out to curious hill folk, trouser enthusiasts, and the women who will invariably want to know more about the man in the horizontal corduroy pants. For investment purposes, we also suggest that you place a few in a hermetically sealed vault, as they are sure to soon rival XFL cards in value!

Each pack of trading cards comes with new collections of photos of our pants in action -- mostly pictures submitted by folks like you!

It’s our way of thanking our customers for their support. It’s also our way of giving our marketing staff a couple weeks off, so they can focus on diffusing tensions between North and South Korea.

Brown Alert!

2010-01-15T22:22:54Z

In response to reports this week of trouserless hordes rampaging through America's public transit systems, the President has raised the national pant-threat level to an unprecedented brown!

Thank goodness this spate of bottomless bedlam coincides with the release of a special batch of Cordarounds brown britches! Why, what better way to show your support for the rule of law than by wearing a pair of these trousers, lovingly crafted by the Internet's all-American haberdashery -- in coordination with the Department of Homeland Security.

On the outside, they’re a rich, full-bodied brown -- much like that of a Kodiak bear, his fur glistening from a fresh kill. Inside, however, you'll find a sublime Opiate liner, so named because it conjures up visions of a far gentler milieu. (Remember those dreamy weeks in the Orient, curled up in the darkened corner of Baron Chou's basement brothel, tethered to an opium pipe? Now you surely will.)

These limited-edition corduroy trousers are live in our store. Rest assured you'll be the envy of panted and pantless patriots alike when you slip on a pair of these brown beauties.

What can you do to stop pantlessness in America? Click here to purchase a pair of Cordarounds. Or click here to join a trouser militia in your hometown.

FLASHBACK! DO YOU KNOW THE WHEREABOUTS OF BUCK KENTUCKY?

2009-12-16T19:27:29Z

This is a story from 2006 about wafflecords: corduroy pants with wales in each direction.

Ever heard of Buck Kentucky, snack-food visionary? Neither had we, until he e-mailed us about an exciting new business opportunity that we simply couldn’t refuse.

Funny, no one at Cordarounds remembers asking for information on snacks. Then again, we were surprised last year to receive an unsolicited offer to help several Nigerian businessmen reclaim millions of dollars that were rightfully theirs. What luck! We’re sure that one day we’ll get back our initial investment, plus the half-million dollars we were promised.

So yes, as North America’s most successful purveyor of horizontal corduroy trousers, we know a good idea when we hear it. That’s why we were ecstatic when Mr. Kentucky told us that his dream was to create and distribute the world’s sweetest, most delicious waffles on a stick. And he wanted Cordarounds to help make that dream a reality!

Mr. Kentucky told us all about his other wonderful snack innovations: Burger chug, Bac-o-snuff, and cotton candy energy bars. And now, he was about give us the chance to profit from his latest and greatest achievement. To sell his waffles on a stick, Mr. Kentucky would need at least thousand street vendors, he said. They would push carts laden with stacks of hot, steaming waffles on one side and thick, premium maple syrup on the other.

“Sign us up!” we said, reaching for the checkbook.

But there was more. Each vendor would wear stovepipe hat, “And they’ll need pants,” he said. “Lots and lots of pants. Pants that look like waffles, of course.” He was very exacting in his demands for the proper trouser: durable, thin-wale, Sandalwood corduroy with linen pockets. And Cordarounds obliged.

It was only after we had produced approximately 1,000 pairs of our new “Wafflecord” trousers that we received a phone call from Interpol, asking for information on the whereabouts of Buck Kentucky.

Though he spared no expense in outfitting his salesforce in the best trousers, seems Mr. Kentucky – better known in his native Belgium as the vile swindler Rhys Van Ooost – had bought heavily discounted maple syrup from a shadowy Ukrainian syrup syndicate, which had harvested it from maple trees near Chernobyl. Now, several dozen Belgian youths upon whom the waffles had been focus-grouped were suffering the early stages of gigantism and Freundlich’s Swatting Disease.

Predictably, Van Ooost fled the country, and Cordarounds was left holding the bag – a bag containing 1,000 pairs of pants. Fortunately for us, they’re some of the coolest pants we’ve made to date.

So if you have any information about there whereabouts of Buck Kentucky, please let us know. And if you could use a pair of criss cross corduroy pants, please visit our store.