Cordarounds, famed purveyor of horizontal corduroy pants, today launches a daring initiative to sew seersucker in directions once thought impossible, namely checkerized, puckerized, and side-to -side.

El Maestro: Precisely 90 degrees cooler than traditional seersucker pants.

Specs: Plain green 5 pocket horizontal seersucker pants with Evil Eye slit rear pockets.

Unlike vertical seersucker puckers, which whisk radiant heat from asphalt to crotch to form an uncomfortable and possibly incendiary column of superheated air, Lindland's horizontal ThermoSucka technolgy creates a 462-pucker barrier from heel to crotch (504 for longs!), safely insulating natures' most precious equipment from the ravages of summer swelter.

And with the seersucker puckers aligned horizontally, wearers will enjoy extreme aerodynamic advantages over vertically-oriented adversaries. You will become widely known as the Green Flash -- a rare, quick-as-a-wink phenomenon.

E-check, B-check: More Pucker for your Sucker.

Specs: Gingham check 5 pocket seersucker pants with Evil Eye slit rear pockets.

Not so fast! Test after test of the advanced aerodynamics of our horizontal seersucker trousers leads to behavior, perhaps, unbecoming of a seersucker wearer -- our customers moved a bit too fast.

While the pants perform marvelously, cutting the wind like samurai swords through sweltering tofu, the aerodynamic seersucker has the unintended consequence ofspeeding up their entire lives. Southern gentlemen spin yarns too quickly. Kentuckians shoot, not sip their mint Juleps. Grooms speed-read their vows. And a Nantucket yachtsman clocked a 9.8 second 100 when stumbling home from Stiffy McCorkle's Tavern.

We went back to the drawing board, and rather than commit the sin of making our seersucker vertical, our engineers came up with a clever solution: More Pucker for your Sucker.

To counteract the phenomenon known as The Quickening, our engineers created checkered seersucker, boosting our pants pucker by a full 1 mm to affect a parachute-like slowdown. While trapping heat on the way up, they billow slightly more to catch the wind as it races around the seersucker grooves.

Fashionable? Yes. Functional? But of course. Dangerously high speed? Only if you dare.

Southern Gentleman Approved: Our Trusty Khakis

Specs: Classic, sideflash horizonta seersucker pants with patch rear pockets.

A team of scientists from SuckerLab traveled to the famed leisure proving grounds of Worthington P. Chesterfield’s wide and gracious front porch to put our classic horizontal seersucker pants to the test -- the Southern Gentleman test.

Under rigorous analysis, they scored high marks in all manner of Southern Gentlemanly arts (see findings on right). And why shouldn't they? After all, these pants were sewn in San Francisco's South of Market district by ladies who hail from southern China. And you can acquire a pair for well south of $100. It doesn’t get much more Southern than that, does it? Until our pant scientists figure out how to fabricate them out of sweet tea, we don’t think so.

Our seersucker pants have been engineered specifically for casual use in hazy, lazy days of summer--on porches, on beaches, on stoops, preferably with an iced beverage in hand. In test after clinical test, our spring khakis are precisely 90 degrees cooler than tradition vertical seersucker. A fact not lost on Worthington himself, who declares, “ and I do declare…you’re far cooler in suckers whose puckers go‘round."