LIVERMORE, Calif. — Yes, our engineers are savants.  They’ve constructed a trouser that offers a lower crotch-heat index and greater aerodynamics than common corduroy -- marvels of science to comfortably hang one’s hat on.  But they can’t call themselves the best of the best until they’ve bested vertical corduroy in every conceivable manner.  Today, we visit the Cordarounds Advanced Pant-Testing Facility to see what happens when our cords are pushed to their limits. Their musical limits.

This test pits Andreas Wagner, harpist, Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra (representing common, vertical corduroy) against Trippy Frost, Wednesday night air guitar champ of Reno’s Gold Crown Karaoke Lounge (representing Cordarounds.)

 Wagner, playing a mid-wale, pleated corduroy trouser from a leading brand, set the tone with a stirring rendition of Beethoven’s Allegro Molto.  As his fingers furiously fanned the final notes of the concerto, the Austrian shot his competitor an icy glare and, with a passionate flourish so common to international harp competitions, let out a mighty Tyrolean whoop before collapsing to his knees.

Frost shrugged off the taunts from his vertically oriented competitor, then set about performing an impossible medley of Van Halen’s Eruption, Hendrix’s Star Spangled Banner, and Satriani’s Surfing with an Alien.  Fingers bleeding, the Reno native roared through two encores and then smashed his air axe against the stage and also kicked over several unseen amplifiers.

An international panel of judges declared Frost (and Cordarounds) victorious.   The only abstaining vote came from Sweden’s Dr. Torliff Swenson who declared the competition a farce and a disgrace to science.   

 Note 1: For the harp enthusiasts out there who say, “If they had used Georg Hammerman of the Berliner Philharmonic Orchestra, the results would have been different,” note that he is already Cordarounds owner, and has accordingly joined the metal band MutterSchrien.

Note 2: Jug band enthusiasts may also use Cordarounds for air washboard playing.