At last, the finale the world's been waiting for--will Lazenby save Christmas from the dispicable St. Nick? Gather your coworkers around to experience the thrilling conclusion. There's violence! There's romance! There's even an MP3 Cordarounds Christmas carol!!!

Continued From Last Week (scroll below to see)

Under the command of the damnable Kris Kringle, the ravenous orca did seize our hero Lazenby in his mighty jaws and drag him to the icy depths. Meanwhile, in Santa’s abominable workshop, his putrid elves danced gleefully upon the ice – cracking their whips and drinking from great barrels of cheap brandy – and the cage-bound prostitutes did cry in anguish for dear Lazenby, consigned to a watery grave by this demon cetacean!

How Lazenby did struggle to extricate himself, but to no avail, and the life that had burned brighter than Mercury’s torch began to dim! But then, hark the furious bubbles of a pod of narwhals! They did rescue Lazenby, and proceeded to perforate the vile orca to and fro with their bony lances, until the beast released out hero, Lazenby, and plummeted to the depths to become crab-victuals!

One of the narwhals, this sleek, sea-faring savior, granted Lazenby the use of its sword. And a kindly walrus gave Lazenby one of its tusks. And with these razor-sharp implements our hero swam to the surface, whereupon he sought out the white-whiskered Saint of Misery and did deliver unto his ample stomach a great and bloody death-blow!

“Curse you, handsome horseman,” Claus sputtered, his mouth awash in blood and bile. As this corpulent merchant of ill-tidings looked on through dying eyes, Lazenby did summon Mrs. Claus from her locked bedchamber. Urged on by Lazenby’s kind hands, she did lay her freshly knitted quilt on a field of freshly fallen snow, and there Lazenby lay with her, and walked her through a garden of such delights as she had not seen in all her hundreds of years!

And the seals and walruses and all other manner of aquatic mammal did clap their flippers and cheer wildly as the lovers embraced in the gentle glow of the Aurora Borealis. And the prostitutes were freed, and they did rejoice! And the elves did flee out upon the tundra, where they would soon be devoured by polar bears and caribou!

“Oh Lazenby,” said the Lady Claus, still rendered dreamy by her cloaked paramour, “there are still so many gifts to deliver tonight!”

"Indeed, my graying lovely!” cried Lazenby, pulling up his Cordarounds and summoning not only his mighty steed, but also a stable of reindeer as well as a number of leather-clad walruses, to which he hitched Santa’s sleigh. “As Claus breathes his last, so Lazenby shall ride tonight! The children of the world shall rejoice with gifts aplenty, and comely housewives shall too receive gifts, but of another, breathtaking sort. Forward ho!”