|
Cordarounds Model Citizens
With mere hours before the sun sets and All Hallows Eve begins, we ask, Do you have a proper Halloween get-up?
For those who don’t, our pant engineers have taken the day off to design some simple, last-minute costumes any Cordarounds owner can assemble with minimal time and expense.
 FLAP JACK: PANCAKE SUPERHERO
Ingredients: brown Cordarounds pants, brown reversible smoking jacket, one box of premium pancake mix
When Dr. Jonathan Quick’s harebrained assistant mistakenly fueled his time machine with syrup instead of plutonium, the professor was metamorphosed into a towering stack of steaming pancakes! Shunned from society, he took to the night as Hoboken ’s hotcake vigilante, fighting crime with his deadly buckwheat discs and searing jets of rich, Vermont maple syrup.
Character tip: Voiced with a strong Jersey accent, you may charm fellow Halloween partygoers with Flap Jack’s signature line: “Wanna side a bacon wid ya butt kickin?”
POOP-CHEEK GENTLEMAN
Ingredients: Cordarounds reversible smoking jacket, fake doggie doo-doo, spirit gum
Fencer, financier, fashionista extraordinaire, the Earl of Turdsbury is truly a gentleman’s gentleman. In fact, this dashing Renaissance man has but one tragic flaw: a giant, poop-shaped mole on his left cheek.
Kept from mirrors his entire life, Turdsbury is unaware of the abomination that despoils an otherwise preternaturally unblemished face. The self-assured sire sees pointed fingers and bemused stares as recognition of his dashing looks and prominent title.
Character tip: When partygoers ask what your costume is, reply, “Costume? Is this a costume party? Blast! I left my favorite Venetian mask in Monte Carlo!”
KING SMUT
Ingredients: white t-shirt, headband, golden gift bows, Cordarounds reversible smoking jacket, homemade pornoglyphic scrolls
Before Hefner. Before Flynt. Before even Caligula, there was the great King Smut, the ancient world's first publisher of girlie mags.
Famed for his breezy mien and signature smoking jacket, Smut's "pornoglyphics" depicted mummies in various states of undress, promising "All the tuts and asps you can pack into a papyrus scroll!"
As is well known, the first pair of Cordarounds pants travelled to Antarctica to claim an entire continent in the name of horizontal corduroy. So it's only appropriate that we would test our skirts in equally extreme conditions. Lindsay and Lauren, intrepid skirt researchers, just called in this travelogue via Ham radio. 
Cordarounds Skirt Testing in Iceland by Lindsay and Lauren The tiny nation of 300,000 blonde inhabitants is accustomed to the bizarre and the inane. School children visit the 6 ton penis of a sperm whale at the national museum, families rope themselves together for trekking over glacier crevasses and the night sky dances with the ephemeral green of northern lights. With 7 days to adventure and one bag to pack. We shoved off with our Cordaround Skirts in tow. Beyond trend, fashion and pure comfort, Cordarounds proved essential on our trip to this land of lava and snow.  
Top 10 Reasons to Visit Iceland wearing Cordaround Skirts:
1.) Free admission to the Philological Museum- home of the largest penis ever: a six ton sperm whale wang
2.) Covered our crevasses and gave us room to enjoy the spouting geysers
3.) Horizontal rugged texture grips the slippery leather seat of a snow mobile
4.) Provided ventilation to enjoy the natural geothermal heat radiating from the earth
5.) Perfect transition gear from glacier to clubbing (dancing, not baby seals)
6.) Looks good with crampons, amazing with snow shoes
7.) Enhances enjoyment of the northern lights
8.) Easy-to-spot, small, red square provides safety in case of avalanche
9.) Perfect for riding the miniature Icelandic ponies
10.) The land of texture….snow, lava, hay, sand, rocks and horizontal corduroy
<a href="http://www.technorati.com/claim/337gus423" rel="me">Technorati Profile</a>
Cordarounds loses control of brand image. As any self-respecting fashion maven will tell you (and often in a snooty Alsatian accent), it's not only what you wear, but how you wear it. So now, after 21 glorious months of existence, Cordarounds is curious to find out all the interesting ways our customers like to wear our trousers. The results are already coming in and, frankly, they're a bit disturbing.  Consider Orlando O’Shea, of Hollis, Texas, who wears his Cordarounds as after-karate attire. This urbane, action-oriented look hasn't caught on with other residents of Hollis, perhaps because O'Shea's post-combat couture includes a mink vest and fez. Thanks to a tragic, pant-related hazing in high school, coupled with near-constant inhalation of various solvents over the last 10 years, Teddy Sandwich of Green Bay, Wisconsin, is manically obsessed with keeping his pants on at all times. Thus, he only wears his Cordarounds inside-out, figuring that the corduroy wales will hold fast against his legs and impede the untimely descent of his trousers, just in case his Kevlar suspenders and system of belts and pulleys fail. (It should also be noted that Sandwich is equally obsessed with cotton candy, taxidermy, and this.) We are quite alarmed by the goings-on at the Thrushberry School in rural New Hampshire. Normally, of course, a venerable New England prep school is a great place to start a trend, but this is not the kind of trend that Cordarounds condones. What began as a friendly difference in opinion over the best-looking horizontal corduory trousers has devolved into a violent turf war between the so-called "Olives" and "Khakis." What began as a series of food fights and wedgies quickly escalated to drive-bys and massive, blood-soaked rumbles. Folks wearing Cordarounds on Fall color tours of the Northeast are now advised to carry firearms. If you have equally disturbing stories or photographic evidence of folks desecrating our beloved brand, please send 'em our way . You can add them to the comments field below. _____________________________________________________________________________________ STRANGE BUT TRUE : Cordarounds Now Popular with Cartoon Characters. Cordarounds customer and culture hawk, Andy Cunningham, today alerted us that khaki horizontal corduroy pants are worn in today's Blondie cartoon. I can't reprint copyrighted materials, so you can click to see them in Dagwood action. To return the favor, we now will send millions of Cordarounds newsletter readers the Sacremento artist's website.
Newsweek magazine reported that buying a pair of Cordarounds is like joining a weird club. Which got us thinking: In our haste to produce the world’s finest horizontal corduroy pants, had we forgotten to offer our customers a sense of esprit de corps? While our engineers work tirelessly to devise a proper fight song and Latin motto, there’s one thing we can give you that’s sure to impart an immediate sense of camaraderie.
Introducing the official Cordarounds handshake: 
Consider this the key that opens the door to Club Cordarounds. When you spy a Lindland’s pant wearer working the door at a popular night spot, extend a hand and in you go. Apply it when interviewing for a job and say no more (particularly within the military industrial complex).
Yes, the benefits of Cordarounds ownership are vast and real. Here are but a few:
-The eternal enmity of zebras and striped bass.
-A standing $5 discount at San Francisco's smallest Pub, the Blackhorse.
-If you spot the Cordarounds prize panther (and it doesn’t maul you) you can win up to $1 trillion dollars.
-A certain optimism.
-When arm wrestling, a certain over-the-toptimism.
-Guaranteed favoritism when applying for work on the Cordarounds Zeppelin
-Shave .003 off your personal best in the corduroy pants 100M dash.
Know that when you buy a pair of Cordarounds, you’re joining a worldwide fraternity of pant wearers with an eye for fashion and a taste for adventure. You’re forging a lifelong bond with the likes of Kip McCorkle of Duluth, Minnesota, Prime Minister Renaldo Orio of the Republic of San Merengue, Inuit shaman Taqukaq, and the entire roster of the Yotohiro Stink Dragons of the Japanese Baseball League.
If you have any suggestions, whatsoever, about how to make this a club that rivals the Freemasons or Skull and Bones in global influence, by all means, let us know.
<a href="http://www.technorati.com/claim/337gus423" rel="me">Technorati Profile</a>
Yes, our engineers have outdone themselves once again. Nobel-worthy work--if only prizes were awarded for trousers. But they're not, which is why we ask you to continue your boycott of Swedish heavy metal bands until they do. The Cargo Cordarounds  
These thin wale Cordarounds are cut comfortably with large cargo pockets to carry grenades and/or 8 track tapes. All pockets--side, rear, and cargo--are lined with fabrics that have been certified hip by the Fonzarelli institute of the Currently Cool. They feature Evil Eye back pockets, that project a slit of color that looks sinister at best, diabolical at worst. According to Cordarounds model, Patrick Chapman, “Women are always looking at my butt. Now I can stare back at them.” We offer them in olive, brown, and British khaki.
The Brushed Pebble Cotton trouser:
 
A new texture for pant fans. Note the pebbly canvas feel. Know that these khaki or red pants have a soft yet rugged feel, like Donald Rumsfeld. Cut like classic Cordarounds, these trousers feel great, and like their horizontal corduroy predecessors, magically attract the touch of female suitors.
The $10 "_____________" sent me discount
How you can get $10 off? Simple. From today through this Sunday, we extend to you, loyal readers of the Cordarounds newsletter and blog, a discount on our new trousers. Better yet, we extend it to all the friends and family members who admire and often steal your pants.
All you need to do is write something funny in the comments field of the order form and we'll subtract $10 from the purchase WHEN WE PROCESS THE SALE. And if your friends write, for instance, "Mick Lane sent me" or "Miles Reed sent me" or--you get the point--they'll get a discount too. In fact they can write "Mick Stinks" or "I have a restraining order on Miles" or anything for that matter, and we'll knock $10 off the price of their purchase. Tell them to be creative.
|
Visit Our Store
|
|
