Dispatch from the Front Lines of the Corduroy War
September 28, 2006 | | Comments (2)
Whether you're aware of it or not, each day you slip into a pair of Cordarounds, you're waging war on imperial Vertical Corduroy (known colloquially as the VC, but not to be confused with the Viet Cong.) Though it's a battle each must fight alone, we can find courage in the deeds of our comrades in legs. Today, we broadcast a message from Robert Hall, Cordarounds customer and leader of the legendary Hanover Commando Squad.
By Robert Hall
0500 Hrs. Cordarounds Northern Observation Battery. Somewhere near Hanover, NH.
The front lines of battle, and our trousers, are creased with friction, sorrow, even bloodshed. But the initiative, the element of surprise is ours. Thanks to the meshing wales of Cordarounds, we operate in silence. No "voot, voot", "swish swish!" or other onomatopoetic alarms to signal the enemy. And, with a little battlefield ingenuity, I've rigged my Cordarounds for even stealthier maneuvers (see below).
Yes, my Commando Edition Cordarounds*, like commandos themselves, sneak in unnoticed and free up space so that the troops can fight another day. Breathing room. Fresh supplies. Missile deployment. That's what commandos promise. That's what my Commando Edition Cordarounds deliver.
For warriors like me, operations like fortress-storming, wall-shimmying, tire-sneaking, ground-scuffling, and of course, commando-crawling are best done commando style. I remember a mission where my squadron pants-ed 450 hostile vertical corduroy owners near the Sea of Okhotsk. Due complete friction-freedom (inside and out), we moved silently and pants-ed them decisively. For years, Navy Seals, Green Berets, the Ball State basketball team, and even Donald Rumsfeld have been going commando to gain a tactical edge in the field. This lifestyle shouldn't only be lived by men at the front--we can all take a lesson from these unwitting sartorial innovators and do something ourselves. Whether it's a strategic office park landing or a business junket forward deployment, your orders are clear: Henceforth, you will go Commando, Cordarounds-style.
* Like normal Cordarounds, only worn without underwear
Comments (2)
I, for one, am tired of reading about the Hannover Commando Squad in the press. It's time that we, the members of the London un-Underwearers, got the credit we deserve.
Posted by Rock McNockerty | September 28, 2006 02:04 PM
I agree wholeheartedly. We, members of the French Lick Freeballers, must also operate in obscurity while folks sing the praises of the Commando Squad. Word is there's a motion picture and video game in the works. Bloody publicity hounds!
Posted by neil masters | September 28, 2006 02:05 PM