For those looking to make a statement -- an atomic statement -- this 4th of July, look no further than Cordarounds' star-spangled slacks.

 

 

Whether you're a US Soccer crazy, Betsy Ross enthusiast, or amateur stuntman, these are the essence of Old Glory in trouser form. Consider their unrivaled quality:

 

* Lovingly hand-stitched by the spectral fingers of Betsy Ross' ghost.

* Tested for Nazi- and Communist-fighting durability by Captain America.

* Design endorsed by Swiftwing, King of All Bald Eagles.

 

 

* Approved for Knievelesque jumps over 4th of July BBQs.

* Each pair exposed to 1,000 continuous hours of Lee Greenwood's Greatest Hits.

* Ensures wearer is in full compliance with the Patriot Act.

* Makes flatulence smell like mom's apple pie.

 

* On Memorial Day, USArounds must be worn at half mast.

* These colors don't run (unless washed in hot water with white clothing.)

* Before wearing, owner must recite the Apollo Creed.

On May 4th at 12:00 PST, a vessel of hope will took flight from San Francisco. A pair of helium-borne trousers rose into the firmament, and travelled Eastward upon the breath of angels.  And why? To prove an important point: That cords can be worn all summer long. They're not just any corduroy, of course, but Cordarounds' new lightweight, mini-wale trousers.

They're Back! from Cordarounds on Vimeo.

A team of scientists from Cordarounds Labs traveled to the famed leisure proving grounds of Worthington P. Chesterfield’s wide and gracious front porch to put our horizontal seersucker pants to the test--the Southern Gentleman test.



Under rigorous analysis, these Suckerlab trousers scored high marks in all manner of Southern Gentlemanly arts (see findings above). And why shouldn't they? After all, these pants were sewn in San Francisco's South of Market district by ladies who hail from southern China. And you can acquire a pair for well south of $100. It doesn’t get much more Southern than that, does it? Until our pant scientists figure out how to fabricate them out of sweet tea & sassafras, we don’t think so.

Yes, 'cano mania is sweeping the globe, and we know a magma-hot trend when we see it -- even if we have no idea how to pronounce it.



So we’re proud to release these new E-check Suckerlab pants in honor of Eyjafjallajokull, the mighty Icelandic soot-stack that's snarled airline traffic and twisted tongues worldwide.



Some fun facts and figures about these Icelandic hot pants:

As of 1800 GMT, they aren't available to Cordarounds customers in the UK, Ireland, Scandanavia, or the Benelux and Baltic States.



While they're billowy and colored brown and white, they do not spew lava or searing pryroclastic cinders.

 

Worn out your circa 1991 J. Peterman Pinatubo Pantaloons, or you need to update your entire wardrobe of Volcano-themed trousers? Then these are the pants for you!



To test the legendary crotch-cooling capabilities of Suckerlab seersucker, Icelandic morning radio personality Hinrik "Bezerker" Sigurbjornsson submerged his lower half in scalding lava for an eye-opening two hours, protected by nothing more than his treasured pair of Eyjafjallajokularounds.

Due to onerous liability issues, Cordarounds politely declined to co-sponsor the magma-eating contest at this year's Reykjavoodstock.

 


These are the preferred pants of Icelandic rappers, who often rhyme Eyjafjallajokull with Playafjallajokull and Skeezafjallajokul.


According to Icelandic folklore, after a long day of conquest and pillaging, vikings donned light and airy seersucker breeches, then relaxed on the porch, sipping cool and refreshing mead from the skulls of the vanquished.

Yes, Eyjafjallajokullarounds are now available in the Cordarounds store. Purchase a pair, and you'll be the star of all your social and scientific gatherings this spring.

 

Today, we discuss a new trouser and a new martial art -- both based entirely on inaction. Let's start with the pants:

These drawstring slacks are designed for around-the-house wear but can be worn outside as well, should you tire of delivery pizza. They're made of 100% Suckerlab seersucker--preferred fabric of porch-sitters, lay-abouts, and the low-pulsed. You cinch 'em with a sturdy, 1-inch black belt handsomely decorated with 11 stripes. Why 11? Because by owning a pair, you instantly earn an 11th degree black belt in non-jitsu.

You see, unlike other schools of martial arts, which require years of devotion to earn a black belt, in our dojo you start with the 11th degree, then degrade over time as you become more disciplined.


Stripe 1: (Drooling Eagle): Owner refreshes himself -- not by washing, but by throwing self into dryer, with Country Mist-scented Bounce sheet.

 

Stripe 2: (Slouching Crane): Owner bravely wears pants from Friday evening through Monday morning.

Stripe 3: (Drowsy Hound): Owner and dog share six bags of buttered popcorn.

 

Stripe 4: (Ambivalent Yak): Owner abstains from needless flossing.

Stripe 5: (Recumbent Platypus): Owner buys from online clothing company instead of store to enjoy more time online.

 

Stripe 6:(Dozing Toad): Owner successfully demonstrates all 16 Taoist principles of sitting on couch.

Stripe 7: (Moist Towelette): Through exquisite thumb dexterity, owner successfully watches two television shows at once.

 

Stripe 8: (Stoned Panda) Owner lives on a diet of microwave-only foods.

Stripe 9: (Slothful Sloth): Owner knows all the answers in Family Feud Fast Money round.

 

Stripe 10: (Sleeping Bee): Owner’s Second Life avatar spends most of his time napping and watching TV.

Stripe 11: (Silent Orangutan): Owner gets all his news from Cordarounds blog.

For Cordarounds’ first foray into foul weather gear, you’d expect our engineering savants to come up with something truly special, like a garment that turns water into wine. But instead trying to out-tex GoreTex with fabric that wicks water, wind, and lava, they took a decidedly old-timey approach.

Waxcloth is made by applying a liberal amount of goo to fabric, then smoothing it to an attractive, oily sheen. Thorough testing confirms that our waxed canvas coat stands up to San Francisco mist, dew, drizzle, and even rain; of course, our tester wisely sought shelter after 30 seconds or so -- just like you would. It also withstands spilled beer, repels dog slobber, and even deflects the expectorant of a stuttering drunk. Why, Scotsmen have wandered the moors in waxed canvas coats for generations, so trust that it will survive a soggy walk or bike to work.

 

This is NOT a reversible coat like our smoking jackets or our late, great TRON jacket. (We figured nobody would want to turn a rained-upon coat inward.) However, this deep green coat does feature goodies like reflective zipper sheathes, a slap Velcro collar, and a light ‘n cozy black liner.

It’s on sale now in the Cordarounds store for $175. We made only 70, so snap yours up today, just in time for April showers. 

 

Congratulations go out to Vinod Vijayakumar, national champion of the Brompton US champtionship in the Best Dressed category. As you can see, he's wearing Discoballrounds, the official pants of urbane action. To learn more about Bromptons and proper Bromtoning attire, visit Vinod's site.

Before we unveil these astonishing pants, our engineers have asked us to provide a quick, public service announcement on why we orient our seersucker sideways. For those who believe it's for aerodynamic purposes, you're only half right...

Unlike vertical seersucker puckers, which whisk radiant heat from asphalt to crotch to form an uncomfortable and possibly incendiary column of superheated air, Suckerlab horizontal ThermoSucka technology creates a 462-pucker barrier from heel to crotch (504 for longs!), safely insulating natures' most precious equipment from the ravages of summer swelter.

Yes, Suckerlab is back! And the scientific community is simply aTwitter. Starting today, and continuing through April (if our dear customers let us), Cordarounds seersucker scientists will be releasing ultra-limited batches of puckery pants into the trousersphere each week. First up: Easterounds!

 

 

 Whether you’re seeking an edge in this year’s egg hunt or just want to out-preppie the dastardly Tad Charles McMasters, Easter-themed Suckerlab pants are for you!

As the pictures indicate, these are Sideflash trousers with Evil Eye rear pockets -- both sewn to shoot soft blue style-lasers from your hips and rear as you move to and fro.

 

And for those who don't celebrate Easter or practice other, yellow pants-friendly faiths, we offer these green seersucker trousers with orange liners. 

Why, these are precisely the pants you need to get Spring properly started. Pick up a pair and, soon enough, you'll be sipping a mint julep, resting assured that your privates are protected by the latest in Thermosucka technology. 

These essential, warm weather safety-slacks are now available in our store for $90.

Let's say your last name isn't O'-something. And you don't root for the Celtics or the Fighting Irish. You don’t drink Guinness, and you're not liable to chuckle when hearing a Dubliner declare, "Lig sé broim." So why on Earth would you need these pants?

Because they're the world's luckiest pants, the only trousers to feature the Omnipotent Seal of Good Fortune: a four-leaf clover festooned with the number 7, a dollar sign, a horseshoe, and an Egyptian scarab.



Yes, these charmed trousers are guaranteed to raise your luck by at least .000777%, and who couldn't use that when gambling, golfing, or gadding about.



In addition to the Omnipotent Seal, these pants feature gold-lined cuffs you can fold up and display proudly, leaving no doubt as to whom the gods truly favor.



Yes, they're the world's luckiest pants, and they're yours today for $100. St. Patty's celebrators from the East Coast are advised to purchase immediately, so your package can take flight today or tomorrow, guaranteeing delivery by the 16th.


BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! Folks who pick up a pair today will receive a FREE t-shirt with the Omnipotent Seal of Good Fortune . Simply specify which size you'd like in the comments section of the order form and we'll include this extraordinary shirt in your package.




And for the ladies and gentlemen who can live without pure magic in their pants, you're welcome to purchase a shirt from our store for $18.

On March 4th, 2010, Cordarounds sponsored the world's 9th-ranked Professional Eater, TIM "GRAVY" BROWN, in his attempt to eat 100 slices of pre-wrapped processed cheese in 10 minutes, for the chance to win a Cordarounds Limited-Edition Reversable Disco-Ball Jacket!!

Watch live video from gravyvision on Justin.tv
The Cordarounds 100-Slice Challenge

DID HE CONQUER THAT LACTOSE EVEREST? DID HE WIN A LIMITED EDITION CORDAROUNDS REVERSIBLE DISCO JACKET? If not, he almost certainly puked up over a pound of cheese - an internet first!

Cordarounds customers demand other-way thinking when it comes to design.   Why, it’s the very fabric of our brand.   So how do we address the trend of eco-consciousness that’s sweeping the fashion world like a tidal wave caused by melting polar ice caps?

Should our trousers be crafted from recycled dreadlocks, their buttons molded from regurgitated Tofurky?  In a perfect world, perhaps.   But our militant, opposite-oriented customers demand difference at all costs, even if a rookery of emperor penguins must be vaporized in the process. 

So our engineers set out to create the most consciously un-environmentally conscious trousers ever made.   They might look green, but rest assured they’re fabricated using only the most diabolical methods.  It’s what you asked for.  We hope you’re happy.

- The factory we built to produce these pants is made of only the stoutest, most ancient redwoods.  They were transported via smoke-belching steamships from the forests of Northern California to a repurposed oil platform, which we’ve thoughtfully anchored to a particularly biodiverse section of the Great Barrier Reef.  

- The thread that secures the button to each pair of pants came from the fibers of the now-extinct Cattus Vinum flower, which had contained a pollen that scientists believed could cure every form of cancer.

- Thanks to their nimble and steady paws, a leap of endangered snow leopards was enlisted to sew our famous red label onto the left ankle of each pair of pants.

- Each pair of trousers is glazed with 20 pounds of ozone-destroying cloroflouocarbons to ensure that the fabric stays soft and supple through repeated washings

- Each pair was hand-washed in a witches brew of fluids found at an abandoned Soviet biowarfare lab.   The hands of the washers no longer remain. 

- They’ve been flown around the world 75 times in a Concorde, for no particular reason.

- The dye we used to make our pants so preternaturally green was created by mixing the tears of Iron Eyes Cody with the pulverized remnants of mankind’s last known piece of kryptonite, the destruction of which, we regret to inform you, has ushered in the murderous, thousand year reign of General Zod.

Our marketing department desperately needs your assistance. Please, put down whatever you’re doing right now (save for surgeons and those seeking world records in hippopotamus-juggling) and help them make sure that folks know how to spell our name!

A typical scenario goes like this: You’re at a moonshine-tasting, and some gentleman with a large, gravy-clotted beard looks at your trousers and exclaims, "Lordy! Where in tarnation you git them fine breeches?" You kindly pass on the gospel of Cordarounds, but by the time this curious fellow sits down at his computer, he’s typing in "Roundaroys," "Cordohboys," or "Roundandaroundandarounds.com." He may even be doing this on a manual typewriter, which makes finding our Web site even more difficult.

So, dear Cordarounds enthusiasts, if you cannot avoid future moonshine tastings, opium bees, or peyote fun-runs, make sure that you’re carrying our new trading cards to help convey the important transfer of Cordarounds brand knowledge.



That's right: With the release this week of beautiful, navy blue Cordarounds with Saipan liners, we issue our first batch of official Cordarounds trading cards -- tokens you can pass out to curious hill folk, trouser enthusiasts, and the women who will invariably want to know more about the man in the horizontal corduroy pants. For investment purposes, we also suggest that you place a few in a hermetically sealed vault, as they are sure to soon rival XFL cards in value!




Each pack of trading cards comes with new collections of photos of our pants in action -- mostly pictures submitted by folks like you!

 

 

It’s our way of thanking our customers for their support. It’s also our way of giving our marketing staff a couple weeks off, so they can focus on diffusing tensions between North and South Korea.

 

In response to reports this week of trouserless hordes rampaging through America's public transit systems, the President has raised the national pant-threat level to an unprecedented brown!






Thank goodness this spate of bottomless bedlam coincides with the release of a special batch of Cordarounds brown britches! Why, what better way to show your support for the rule of law than by wearing a pair of these trousers, lovingly crafted by the Internet's all-American haberdashery -- in coordination with the Department of Homeland Security.


On the outside, they’re a rich, full-bodied brown -- much like that of a Kodiak bear, his fur glistening from a fresh kill. Inside, however, you'll find a sublime Opiate liner, so named because it conjures up visions of a far gentler milieu. (Remember those dreamy weeks in the Orient, curled up in the darkened corner of Baron Chou's basement brothel, tethered to an opium pipe? Now you surely will.)


These limited-edition corduroy trousers are live in our store. Rest assured you'll be the envy of panted and pantless patriots alike when you slip on a pair of these brown beauties.


What can you do to stop pantlessness in America? Click here to purchase a pair of Cordarounds. Or click here to join a trouser militia in your hometown.

This is a story from 2006 about wafflecords: corduroy pants with wales in each direction.

 

 

Ever heard of Buck Kentucky, snack-food visionary?  Neither had we, until he e-mailed us about an exciting new business opportunity that we simply couldn’t refuse.

Funny, no one at Cordarounds remembers asking for information on snacks.  Then again, we were surprised last year to receive an unsolicited offer to help several Nigerian businessmen reclaim millions of dollars that were rightfully theirs.  What luck!  We’re sure that one day we’ll get back our initial investment, plus the half-million dollars we were promised.

So yes, as North America’s most successful purveyor of horizontal corduroy trousers, we know a good idea when we hear it.  That’s why we were ecstatic when Mr. Kentucky told us that his dream was to create and distribute the world’s sweetest, most delicious waffles on a stick.  And he wanted Cordarounds to help make that dream a reality!

Mr. Kentucky told us all about his other wonderful snack innovations: Burger chug, Bac-o-snuff, and cotton candy energy bars. And now, he was about give us the chance to profit from his latest and greatest achievement. To sell his waffles on a stick, Mr. Kentucky would need at least thousand street vendors, he said.  They would push carts laden with stacks of hot, steaming waffles on one side and thick, premium maple syrup on the other.
 
“Sign us up!” we said, reaching for the checkbook.

But there was more.  Each vendor would wear stovepipe hat, “And they’ll need pants,” he said. “Lots and lots of pants.  Pants that look like waffles, of course.”  He was very exacting in his demands for the proper trouser: durable, thin-wale, Sandalwood corduroy with linen pockets. And Cordarounds obliged.

It was only after we had produced approximately 1,000 pairs of our new “Wafflecord” trousers that we received a phone call from Interpol, asking for information on the whereabouts of Buck Kentucky.

Though he spared no expense in outfitting his salesforce in the best trousers, seems Mr. Kentucky – better known in his native Belgium as the vile swindler Rhys Van Ooost – had bought heavily discounted maple syrup from a shadowy Ukrainian syrup syndicate, which had harvested it from maple trees near Chernobyl.  Now, several dozen Belgian youths upon whom the waffles had been focus-grouped were suffering the early stages of gigantism and Freundlich’s Swatting Disease.
 

Predictably, Van Ooost fled the country, and Cordarounds was left holding the bag – a bag containing 1,000 pairs of pants.  Fortunately for us, they’re some of the coolest pants we’ve made to date.  

So if you have any information about there whereabouts of Buck Kentucky, please let us know.  And if you could use a pair of criss cross corduroy pants, please visit our store.

What's Black Friday? Why, that's the day when retailers rejoice as their balance sheets pass at last from red to black. To sentimental companies like Cordarounds, it's a holiday more momentous than Easter, Independence Day, and Christmas combined. But why is there no Easter Bunny, Uncle Sam, or jolly St. Nick to represent Black Friday? Why doesn't this venerable holiday have its own Tom Turkey, Guy Fawkes, or Elvira?


Because this Friday is so very important to the health of our economy, Cordarounds recently convened an emergency meeting at the National Department of Commerce and Folklore to create a roster of mascots sure to raise consumer confidence during this all-important holiday.

For your consideration:

1. Ulysses the Unicorn:  Legend has it that one moonless night many ages ago, the mighty black unicorn Ulysses, brave Equine Lord of the Magick Realm, did gallop through the tiny village at the foot of the Mystic Mountain , whinnying and neighing in dismay, for none of the shoppes were advertising blowout sales. So as Ulysses clippity-clopped down the cobblestone street, he did perforate all the shoppe signs with his deadly obsidian horn, slashing their posted prices as he went.

2. Olaf the Bear Slayer: Throughout December 1993, holiday shoppers in the Yukon Territory stayed indoors due to an explosion in the black bear population. Even trips to the outhouse and the smokehouse were postponed for fear of bear mauling. That is, until Olaf Pfinkle, legendary hockey enforcer from the Sookum Flyers, escaped from an insane asylum. He quickly took to the streets, slashing bears he mistook as hirsute defensemen from the Klondike Marmots. Suffice it to say, Mother Nature's ursine siege was lifted, and the territory's shopping-starved citizens soon swarmed its six or seven stores, consuming with a fury no less savage than Pfinkle himself.

Ever since, families celebrate Black Friday with a hearty meal of braised bear loin stuffed with bear cub, which is then stuffed with a harlequin duck -- a dish commonly known as Grrrr-ducken.

3. Torro the Toro: For most of the year, Benito the Bull lives an unassuming life on the professional rodeo tour. But on Black Friday, he dons his black mask and becomes Torro! -- savage stimulator of holiday sales. The cleverly disguised beast can be seen rampaging through America 's malls, shopping centers, and discount outlets, chasing terrified consumers off the streets and into places of commerce. Penny-pinchers and nay-saying economists beware: get bullish about fantastic after-Thanksgiving savings, lest the horns of this mysterious masked beast gouge the letter "T" into your midsection.

Every autumn, millions of American men tragically go pantless while their fellow citizens turn a blind eye.

This is the terrible affliction known as Pantlessteria -- more commonly referred to as Sansapant Syndrome, Trousernot, or Nay Slacks disease.

Fortunately, there is a cure -- and it's just clicks away at Cordarounds.com. That's where our scientists, in partnership with the National Institutes of Health and Johns Hopkins University, are working around the clock to develop Bike to Work pants, horizontal-corduroy trousers, and other solutions to this most pressing problem.

From hip to heel, Cordarounds has you covered. But don’t be fooled by home remedies for pantlessness or black market imitations (see below). You can only buy our pants online.

During Pants Awareness Month, Cordarounds needs your help. Please send us photos of yourself flashing the sign of trouser victory (on right), so that we can build a trillion-pixel pyramid of pant pride. Yes, email those images to chris AT cordarounds.com, and together we'll cure the world of pantlessness -- on the streets, at home, in bed, even in the shower.

Are you pantless and in need of immediate assistance? Call 1-800-694-9491 or visit our catalog.

Yes, our famed Bike-to-Work pants are back and we're celebrating the arrival of the autumnal time change with a contest on the Web's famed DIY site, Instructables.com.  

 

Watch over the next month as ingenious makers create novel ways to Light up the night, and if you're handy man, you can compete to win an Urban Awareness Jacket or new pair of Cordarounds pants.

 

With times a changin' and evening rides getting darker, consider a pair of reflective bike-to-work pants for your next commute.   You can find 'em in our catalog.

 

 

Why is every word in this newsletter linked? Let us explain.

Cordarounds, an online-only clothier, relies on word-of-mouth advertising to spread the gospel of our apparel inventions. And, as responsible citizens of the Internet, we know that asking folks to SEND TO A FRIEND puts them in the uncomfortable position of being a pest. So our engineers have devised the most forwardable e-mail in Internet history. In addition to the slo-mo fashion food-fight video we've filmed (see above), each and every word of this e-mail hyperlinks to one of a plethora of Web oddities submitted by our loyal customers.

So, in addition to inviting you to visit Cordarounds.com, home of fashion phenomena like USArounds, Discoballrounds and, of course, Cordarounds, we encourage you to spend the remainder of your previously productive workday clicking around this advertisement. With such a rich bounty of links, it would simply be bad Netiquette not to pass it on.

Why look, it’s Cordarounds latest invention, and we’re giving you an exclusive look at the creative process at our famed Livermore labs -- the Skunkworks of the apparel industry -- the very place where friendly robots and particle colliders churn out the latest in fashion technology

 

Ever since the launch of our madly-blogged-about bike to work pants, urban commuters have been clamoring for a coat counterpart.   For this product, we’ve taken inspiration from SF bicycle and moped innovators to create the Urban Awareness Jacket.
 
On the outside, you’ll find all the features of moped modernity -- short collar, waist length, zippered cuffs, and soft/sturdy canvas fabric.
 
On the inside, you’ll discover the future -- specifically, the future envisioned by Walt Disney’s TRON -- that imaginary world of deadly light-cycle duels and cyber-heartthrob Bruce Boxleitner.
 
The jacket reflects light and repels lasers when in motion mode, while attracting limelight and ladies in urban mode. 

Over the next few weeks we'll be making video and photo posts as we take this jacket through our rigorous testing and production process.   Tell us your thoughts, as this is a feedback-friendly product.

 

Yes, it's the Cordarounds.com summer party and we ask, why throw a simple event, when you can throw a mind-bending all-day video adventure followed by a party that features heavy metal, ventriloquists, and sex-crazed robots?  

From 9-5 Pacific we implore you to watch this here video widget and follow the adventure of a daytime -- one where heavy metal heroes, LIVE EVIL, try to fill an entire bus with folks who play hooky on an all day boozeathon.

   WATCH NOW and don't hesitate to click forwards or backwards to see clips we post LIVE every 15 minutes or so. YOU CAN ALSO WATCH HERE. http://www.zannel.com/liveevil

So come back here to watch all day then come out to our summer party at the Make Out Room on 22nd St for a Live Evil Concert, the Cordarounds Variety Spectacular, and all kinds of pants.

As you know, our Bike-to-Work pants are designed for folks who make 2-5 mile commutes to work -- they offer just enough bikeability to improve your ride and just enough workability so you don't look silly on the job. So it thrilled us when Cordarounds customer, Jeremy Alden, suggested taking them on a 2500 mile commute to work. Yes, he's spending the month June riding from Virginia back to San Francisco, and you can follow his pant adventures on the Boy Blunder blog.

 

Just yesterday,  Alden hit the high point of his trip -- the very tip top of the Rockies.   America's highest heights proved no match for the Cordarounds-wearer,  who'll now coast a downward slope back to the Goldengate (encountering only minor nuisances like the Sierras and scorching Utah summer temps along the way.)

 

 

Each year, Cordarounds celebrates the Southern Gentlemanly arts and sciences with the issue of limited edition seersucker trousers and fine, porch-worthy tales. Today, we proudly release blue stripe seersuckers along with the story of one, P. Orpheus Butterfox, the world's first Dixienaut.

 

P. Orpheux Butterfox / Beauregard P. Delacroix / Austindale Crockett / O. Rutherford Picking

SWAMPOPOLIS, Mississippi -- As dawn broke yesterday over a landscape of cotton fields and gently swaying pine trees, what seemed like the entire population of Giblets County had begun gathering on the town square. The object of their attention was local aristocrat P. Orpheus Butterfox, who was preparing to fulfill his lifelong ambition: to reach outer space.

Medically discharged from NASA's human spaceflight program in the early1960s for a chronic case of julep-elbow, this now-legendary torch-bearer for the gentlemanly arts decided that the only way he was going to get into space was to get there himself. Armed with legendary Butterfox stubbornness and an engineering degree from the University of Mississippi, he proceeded to eschew a lucrative position in the family molasses business and spend the next four decades planning his interstellar journey.

"It is indeed a pleasure of the highest sort, that I may greet you in these moments before I journey to the heavens in my most wondrous and stately star-craft,” said Butterfox, 68, pointing to the gleaming mahogany rocket ship standing in a nearby magnolia grove -- a  rocket ship he had spent years painstakingly carving by hand. "With the companionship of my loyal blue tick hound and a picnic basket containing the very finest fried chickens and other delectable victuals prepared so lovingly by the Daughters of the Confederacy, my time in outer space shall be as relaxing as a gentle night of yarn-spinnin’ and whiskey-sippin' upon my porch!"

According to Swampopolis Mission Control, the Butterfox rocket ship was nearly fully provisioned and ready to launch, with final shipments of freeze-dried snuff and Templeton's Gold Star Mustache Wax due to arrive by nightfall. Workers could be seen running to and fro as they made final launch preparations, which included ensuring that the distinguished Southern gentleman’s trusty Winchester shotgun had been thoroughly cleaned and loaded, lest the alien life forms he expects to encounter "prove themselves to be of an ornery disposition."


The air in Swampopolis was suffused by the pleasant aroma of burning hickory wood, which fuels the Butterfox rocket. The fire must be constantly stoked, both to produce enough vertical thrust to escape the Earth’s atmosphere as well as to provide a warm and inviting environment for Butterfox to peruse the many leather-bound volumes in his onboard library.


Another unique feature of this spacecraft is its specially designed heat shield, which is made entirely of Cordarounds seersucker material. "As I return to Earth from my heavenly jaunt, my star-craft shall need its sheath of soft, cool seersucker to repel the dastardly heat of reentry," said Butterfox.  "And I, too, shall be adorned in suckerlab seersucker finery during the whole of my astronautical adventure." And with that, Butterfox slowly turned a complete circle, allowing the growing crowd to admire his new Cordarounds seersucker pants.

“Is there a more fashionable interstellar traveler in these parts?" cried Butterfox, a fresh gin and tonic sloshing gently in his hand as curtsied to the hundreds of onlookers. "By the sweet nape of gentle Persephone’s neck, I dare think not!”

Like the 007 franchise, every now and again Cordarounds must update our leading man. And that man is, of course, Lazenby.


Lazenby! Smoldering hero-horseman! Romantic exemplar extraordinaire! Upon his trusty steed, dear Lazenby -- protector of all that is delicious to the eyes -- has clippity-clopped through the fog-shrouded streets of San Francisco for several glorious years now, clad in his reversible smoking jacket and signature velveteen jodhpurs.

But alas, we learned last week that Lazenby has decided to depart our city … forever!  Yes, the incomparable adventurer who has defended the honor of lovely ladies around the world by sleighing the incandescently vile Santa Claus and javelining the despicable Baron Chou will now vanish into the night, leaving naught but the scent of jasmine and premium liqueurs in his wake. Ladies, take one last look.

But do not weep!  As this Lazenby departs, he will pass the fiery torch of amour to another! So this month, we’re looking for our new Lazenby, and it could be you.  All you need is a reversible smoking jacket to evoke our hero’s legendary looks (a $195 purchase made easier than ever with the release of today’s new-fangled* Blackhorse coat).  Beyond that, the very minimum in imagination is required.  Of course, we’ve come to expect the very most from our customers once they’ve got an idea in their heads, so we’ve asked Lazenby himself to pen an ultra-strict application procedure -- one we gladly offer to you first, before posting the position on Craigslist this afternoon.

Could there be a better time for a career change?  Yes.


* New-fangling involves an update of collar backing with luxurious Burmese green cashmere, injecting precisely 1,000 lumens of sizzle into its satin brocade inner lining, and softening up the Vagisoft pockets by a staggering 12,000%. What is Vagisoft?  Thanks for asking.

LAZENBY JOB DESCRIPTION AND INTERVIEW APPLICATION

Villains, perverts and curs need not apply! After three years of protecting the women of San Francisco from all manner of beastly intent, I hereby relinquish the saddle upon my trusty stallion, Obsidian, and call upon a new rider -– he who is fearless, indomitable and engorged with the spirit of chivalry -- to take this most valiant mount.

As before, the sound of Obsidian’s clippity-clopping hooves shall send knaves scurrying and women’s hearts racing as you patrol the avenues of this metropolis.  As before, the city shall be beset by fits of female swooning and starry-eyed proposals of varying indecencies, but the object of every right-thinking maiden’s desire shall be a brand new Lazenby, a man whose smoldering gaze above the collar of a reversible smoking jacket will still be capable of melting the straps of even the heartiest brassiere!

Applicants must, in 100 words or much, much less, describe what they will bring to the role of Lazenby, and they may do so on the Cordarounds Facebook fan page. Please type responses in your finest calligraphy.

Applicants must be handy with lances, javelins, morning stars and Tibetan massage.

Photos of you peering over the collar of a Cordarounds coat are greatly preferred (see above.)

Professional models are not welcome.

The winner will become our new Lazenby, Cordarounds’ dashing spokesman for women – the very eyes that encourage them to purchase by the hundreds when we release limited-edition skirts this summer.    Over the coming weeks, candidates will undergo a rigorous review process, including a battery of questions in the pixels of this newsletter and throughout the Cordarounds site.

Every Tuesday at precisely noon Pacific, Cordarounds releases new, limited edition fashions, and we want to be sure you know about them as soon as possible -- hence the atomic-clock-verified, 12:00:00:00:00 timing of this newsletter.

Difficult as it is to believe, not every San Franciscan receives these critical e-mail updates. So, as a matter of public service, our engineers set about to design a system to alert the rest of the city that it’s time to (a) make sure you’re wearing pants and (b) if not, proceed immediately to Cordarounds.com.



The result? An ingenious system of fashion Klaxons throughout this fair metropolis -- mighty horns that provide a deafening audio alert when the appointed hour arrives. Did you hear it?


Maybe you missed this sartorial siren because you were stuffing your ears with cookie dough. Or perhaps you were burrowing underground with your mole friends. Well, relax: watch this video to relive the pants-mania that swept through San Francisco just moments ago.

Every week, from here to eternity, we’ll be releasing limited batches of brilliant fashion ideas. Talented folks like Dave and Tim (visit our store to see) who’ve dazzled us with contributions to our photo galleries will earn an advance pair of pants, so they can instruct the masses on the proper use of our latest products.

Look forward to the fashion Klaxon every Tuesday at noon PDT (Pant Declaration Time). And tell your pant-wearing friends across the country to prepare for our national alert system, scheduled to be in place by early 2013, if not sooner.

Last week, Ted Tippler of Nashua, Wisconsin, saw the Virgin Mary in a plate of corned beef hash. In a Miami suburb, dermatologist Orlando Merengue sighted the blessed visage in a slew of heat rashes. And Friday night at the Skoal International Speedway, Funny Car champ Flo Chacon's epic peel out lofted a ghostly contrail that bore a distinct resemblance to the Madonna -- or Chyna, depending on your vantage point. With reports of Mary sightings coming in from across the country, we ask: is it all a coincidence?

 

Of course not -- it's all part of a painstakingly elaborate campaign to announce another limited edition batch of Mary-go-rounds.

Never before in our 4-year history have we inspired such trousermania as we have with Marygorounds. These cozy drawstring slacks sold out in a mere 72 hours last December, so we've decided to appease the demands of discriminating pant-wearers who didn't click quickly enough.

Today, we issue a limited edition run of another 55 pair in sizes S through XL (with longs available in large and extra large.)

 

The world of tactile technology was satisfied with "soft as a baby's bottom" as the measure of absolute softness. Anyone who dared name something "softer than" the aforementioned infant's posterior was suggesting a theoretical, quantum world of soft that existed beyond anything man could conceive.

That is, until researchers at the Cordarounds Livermore Laboratory invented the Tactile Soft-o-meter, a device that can detect and compare the density of softrons, the subatomic units of softness. And while this has proven a Nobel worthy discovery, our scientists could not simply rest on their laurels.

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Sure, Christmas has passed, but you can relive 25-days of madcap merriment and mystery by visiting our advent calendar site.  Click the image below to unlock each and every story, song, video, and eggnog invention.

 

 

Poof!  There it goes.  The 4th year in the life of Cordarounds, and more than 10000 fathoms of horizontal corduroy now span the globe. Yes, on today, December 23rd, we have plenty to be thankful for, but the greatest blessing is our children.

Our eldest, Lazenby, slew the despicable St. Nick (scroll below to read), and will now deliver gifts of plenty to children and women around the world this Wednesday night.   Be sure to sing his official carol when he visits, and you'll get something extra special in your stocking(s).

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A BODICE-RIPPING HOLIDAY ADVENTURE, STARRING LAZENBY, CORDAROUNDS SPOKESMAN FOR WOMEN.

Oh, how Lazenby wishes the winds of fate could have blown more gently! How he begged to find some shred of goodness and decency in the coal-black heart of the fat, bearded beast known as Santa Claus!

But it was not to be, for the deviant, ruddy-cheeked Kringle and his army of fiendish elves did recently set out to destroy dear Lazenby. Why? So they could continue unabated their wretched Christmas Eve tradition of visiting the houses of comely lasses clad in naught but their silky night-things, visit them with hungry eyes and slobbering countenances and thoughts of such an impure nature that Lazenby blushes, and must steady himself against the flank of his mighty steed.

That is why, verily, Lazenby did kill Santa Claus – and save Christmas. Rejoice!

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Today we reveal the winners of the Instructables.com / Bike-to-Work pants home engineering challenge.    The task: invent ingenious ways to illuminate your bike or body… so Cordarounds can steal your ideas and sell them to the Defense industry.   Our favorite: the Blinking Hand of Righteousness by catlinsdad.   All that’s missing is a laser, and you’ve created a future weapon that rivals the Rods from God in name and Sci Fi terror.

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We're not ones to toot our own horns, but we've never been afraid to toot our own recorders. And since the holidays are all about tradition & nostalgia, today we reflect on one of our finest adventures -- one that was covered on Wired News and local TV, one that still inspires San Franciscans till this very day.

Your December 10 advent treat: THE PIED PIPER OF BOOZE. 

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Today, we further our efforts to elevate Lazenby into the ranks of Christmas icons like Santa and Scrooge.  Noted Cordarounds contributor, Colin Stuart, penned a song that will soon become a standard among Christmas carolers.

Click and listen as Cordarounds' romantic spokesman assumes the gift-giving role of St. Nick and replaces the sleigh with an Airstream trailer driven by a team of Walruses (which he refers to as Walrii--a decision that will be debated by wildlife grammarians for ages.)

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Ted Tippler from Taos, NM writes: Cordarounds simply doesn’t offer enough products! Why can’t I buy coffee mugs, skateboard decks, neckties, and shoes with Zeppelins and other pants action heroes on them?

Because we must remain focused on trousers to make the very best.  Also, we have to complete our 100 million dollar pants zeppelin before moving on other product categories.

So, for the Dec. 10 advent treat, we’ve decided to humor Mr. Tippler and expand our product line via Zazzle.com -- the Web's #1 place to immortalize humiliating photos of friends on skateboard decks, mugs, and aprons.

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The response to last week's SAY NO TO NOG challenge has been astounding: Scores of Cordarounds customers have stuffed our inbox with delicious Eggnog alternatives, and scores more have nogged and feathered eggnog industry officials.

Today, we're proud to announce our winner.

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New reversible smoking jackets have arrived at Cordarounds, and it’s high time we settled the eternal question of whether this item of fashion fabulousness is a modern corduroy coat or majestic smoking jacket.

Amazingly, the answer is both. But how can this be?

Leave it to technology to reveal Mother Nature’s secrets. In the same way naturalists use high-speed cameras to capture a chameleon’s color change, the sweep of a hummingbird's wing, or a mating manatee’s split-second Nixon impersonation, engineers at Cordarounds Livermore Laboratories have finally managed to capture THE JACKET REVERSAL on video.

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In these dark times, a ray of light

(as reported in Gizmodo and BoingBoing.net)

The financial apocalypse is upon us, my friends. But don’t despair. Through the swirling dust of crumbled investment banks and the haze of towering bonfires of foreclosure papers, there is a light ― pure and true. A shining beacon in these dark and troubled times.

We’re talking about the new Cordarounds Bike to Work pants, of course.

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For months, Cordarounds headquarters has been besieged by its most dastardly foe: Vertical Corduroy. By land and by sea, the vicious vertical villain has squeezed our supply lines like a giant, fabric Kraken. Yet Horizontal Corduroy did not succumb. Outnumbered literally millions to one, our horizontal lines have held strong, true...and velvety-soft to the touch.

Now, at long last, reinforcements have arrived! An armada of schooners laden with horizontal corduroy has docked in San Francisco Bay, and our hale and hearty stevedores are unloading cargo around the clock.

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But we're going to need help.  Lots of help.  The Cordarounds Zeppelin will require hundreds of able-bodied crew members, from pilots to Pilates instructors. Continue reading »

Do you know His Majesty, Haji Hassanal Bolkiah Muizzaddin Waddaulah, the Sultan of Brunei?  Do you know someone who knows him?  If so, please forward on this message:

Your Excellency:

It has been 13 insufferable years since Bill Gates surpassed you as the world's wealthiest man. These have been dark days indeed when unparalleled personal fortune has been defined not by harems and saffron-fueled Lamborghinis made of gold, but by stock options and sensible V neck sweaters. Continue reading »

SAN FRANCISCO, Sept. 3 – In a landmark climate-change study conducted jointly by the National Weather Center and Cordarounds, makers of casual, horizontal seersucker pants (now on sale in our store), researchers have determined that increased levels of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere will fuel scorching summer weather nationwide until at least mid-October. As a result, the Presidential Advisory Council on Science and Fashion has taken the unprecedented step of calling for an immediate and indefinite suspension of the so-called "No White After Labor Day" law. Continue reading »

This week, the Newspaper of Record proclaimed that Cauliflower ears are in!  -- old news to Cordarounds readers who were tipped off on this fashion trend back in 2006. This proves, once again, that life imitates art and horizontal corduroy remains on the bleeding edge of style and suffering.

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The Golden Push was a resounding success.   In 8 hours, nearly 200 people pushed Tyler from the Mission all the way to the Goldengate.  Our sponsored athlete battled feral children and an overactive bladder to reach his objective by 4:45.   MacNiven's remarkable, people-powered production was covered by the EXAMINER, THE CHRONICLE, and KFOG.

WATCH THE WHOLE (OR HILARIOUS PARTS) OF THE VIDEO BY VIEWING THE EXPANDED ENTRY WITH ZANNEL VIEWER. Continue reading »